Musing About Christmas

The Christmas Date

The date of the celebration of Christmas it is not the date of our Lord Jesus Christ’s birth. Our current date system was established using as its basis the Anno Domini, chart originated on or about the year 525 BC, and used to cipher and identify the order of years of the Julian and Gregorian calendars, widely used by then.

Nobody really knows for sure why the date of December 25 was chosen as the chronological settling of this celebration. It may have been kept from the already established popular celebrations during the ancient Roman Empire’s solar festivals such as the Dies Natalis, Solis Invicti, and Bruma, which were sponsored by the State of the Roman Empire every year on December 25.

The Christmas time celebration has become so universal and frantic – even in countries that do not celebrate Christmas- that gives the impression to many people that the observance of this well-liked festivity it is used mostly, as a contemptible marketing gimmick by pushing and opportunistic merchants.

The Pope Julius I in the 4th century AD did set December 25 as the official public date for the Christian celebration of Christmas. This strategic move was implemented in an effort to Christianize the old “Pagan” celebrations that were taking place for centuries now during this time of the year.


Santa Claus

The henchman of Christmas, Santa Claus, AKA: Saint Nicholas (St. Nick) the Patron of Children, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Shengdan Laoren in China, Hoteisho in Japan (who knows Karate), or simply known best by the masses as "Santa", specially by his Elves, has become nowadays the most popular character of Christmas in most places in the planet. Santa is represented in thick, red winter clothes even in countries of the Southern Hemisphere, which are rejoicing summer in December!

In Chile for example, I used to celebrate Christmas like everyone else. We always had a snowy pine tree decorated with whatever tickled our fancy. We had a nativity with all sort of animals and a naked baby, and pictures of Santa in his wintery clothing. In spite of the 97º Fahrenheit + outside, all decorations depicted a cold, snowy winter season.

In the cities of Central America almost never snows and between winter and summer there is not quite a difference, unless you live there to notice it. However, in most of these countries they still dressing Santa in a wintery attire. I know that Hawaiians dress Santa up more accordingly to the season!

Until the beginning of the 18th century, our contemporary “fat” Santa was unheard of and a totally unknown personage as we depict him today. Santa Claus’ reflection was of a slim man who handed out presents to the children of the entire town; however, in many places this character was not linked with the Christian celebration of Christmas.

Santa is in fact, a cheerful, ebullient, and an exceedingly chubby man who hides his face behind a fuzzy white beard, wearing black icecap type boots, and outfitting a thick winter red suit embroidered with an unknown white fur. Some animal rights activists have been confused about this fact for centuries, and no one really knows if they are going after Santa for animal cruelty -no facts about the reindeer are actually available as well. Santa’s boots by the way are made out of leather too, what is believed also to come from animals. Please take note of that I did not bring up the issue of the belt!

As far as I know, Santa always stays at the same Ho-ho-tel during the holidays, he likes "Jingle Jam” on his toast, he eats Mistle-"toast" for breakfast, and he does not use Travelocity to book anything. It is a widespread thought that his nationality is North Polish. Another important detail is that he will continue working forever, because he currently has not means of retirement after the Stock Market crash.


Here it is some of Santa’s Gear of the Trade (in alphabetical order)

The Carrots
The Sativus sub-specie, Daucus Carota; commonly known as “zanahoria” –Spanish for carrot, it is used by people visited by Santa to pay a sort of tithe to compensate the efforts of the hungry and weary reindeer. It is not known however, how reindeer are capable of eating approximately 36 billion crude carrots between the midnight of December 24, and the dawn of December 25. With the help of Rudolph, perhaps?... No droppings have ever been found to trace any accusing DNA trail! It is known though, that some reindeer skip the carrots for the eggnog! This is something somewhat of a “Miller Time” for them. Baby carrots, by the way, come from mommy carrots. Carrots are believed to make you see better in the dark, so the military uses them to built night-vision goggles.

The Christmas Lists
This is a very serious and delicate issue. Since Santa turned pro-environmentalist, he only receives e-mails with requests for Christmas, and that way he helps to save trees. To accommodate this item, he recently had acquired a Craig supercomputer and he has a squad of geek Elves to process the millions of requests. Now you know why your paper letter never made it to the North Pole! Christmas lists cannot be hacked by members of the elite subculture of corrupt and destructive programmer shoplifters, those mendacious cyber pickpockets, while the lists travel the internet, because the lists encompasses the powerful cryptography of a hash algorithm into a super-chyphered hyperlink directly to your child’s heart and imagination. Incidentally, Ms. Claus hates e-bay.

The Christmas tree
The criminal and prehistoric destructive practice of cutting innocent, unsuspecting pines or other unsullied and unwary trees for the frivolous, transient, and short-lived amusement of a few, it has not stopped yet. Some representatives of the Macacus Rhesus panel think it is not a big deal, and the barbaric practice it is mainly just for the amusement of the kids. Perhaps they are right. I just cannot stop thinking about fire hazards, related expenses, discriminated deforestation, and global warming. Sometimes comes to mind that animal habitat gets terminally affected. The lack of companion trees disturbs the rights of sentient trees, diminishes global air exchange, contribute to the loss of 42 gallons of evaporation a day each tree puts in our atmosphere so we can have rain. After every tree that is killed we receive tons and tons of free unprocessed carbon dioxide, but oh well, it is just old me. Enjoy your tree.

The Cookies
Now we are talking! The cookies play a major role in keeping Santa (and the reindeer) going from house to house looking forward to eat those delicious cookies. These smokeless and stimulant patties of sweet energy fuel the Christmas posse to keep on going. Santa uses the opportunity to drop a few toys and gifts while he enjoys scrumptious cookies. Have you noticed that he gains weight EVERY Christmas? Well, make sure he will make a stop on your roof by luring him with some mouth-watering, fresh cookies. Now folks, I am talking about real cookies here, not about internet cookies or fortune cookies. Once, a slapdash reindeer ate a fortune cookie mistakenly stuffed with toilet paper, and the poor animal choked on it before he was able to flush it out.

The Eggnog
There are somber and discriminating disparities in the conception and in the likes and dislikes about this, sometimes indulgent, holiday’s drink. There are the ones who prefer it the old way, the way grandma used to prepare it, with a healthy and hefty portion of brandy, rum, whiskey, or any other spirit that make a rake of your spirit. The other bunch of hooligans likes the one on waxed cardboard boxes from the store. Whatever! I understand the “egg” part of it, but quite cannot comprehend the “nog” part of it. As you know, Nog is the Ferengi from Deep Space Nine. Whatever! I if you do not like eggnog, when offered just say “Thank you, but Nog!”

The Elves
These are the real heroes of the journey! Unlike Santa, Elves work all year long, during other holidays, with slaving schedules, no sick time, short lunch breaks where they just eat broccoli, and they have to wear (all the time!) those ridiculous and unmanly sissy clothes! Peter Pan accused the Elves of copyright infringements in regards of his suit. The Elves and Elfs Union (E&E) does not function and it is useless because was organized by the same individuals that run AIG, Freddy Mac, Fanny Mae, and many of our pathetic banks, so it is just another complete failure. My heart goes to the Elves. They are not being bailed out like the other losers. Things for the Elves are expected to improve after elections for Chief of Elves, according to the empty promises of the two forerunners, Pickle and Gnome.

The Fruitcake
This is another swindle. I have run into fruitcakes that have an expiration date of March 15, 1906. The so-called “fruitcake” (known as fruitcaka in South America to some) it is not so. First, the elements contained and denominated as “fruit” in it are of suspicious origin and nature, and they do not taste anything like fruit. Fruitcakes originated in the middle ages, and some of them, are still around! Besides the “fruit” in it, there is pomegranate, nuts, raisins, spices, barley, and other rudiments such as marzipan, sugar, currants, candy, citron, dates, flour, mace, baking powder, salt, butter, eggs, molasses, buggers, grime from under the nails, and God knows what else! Enjoy your fruitcaka.

The Gifts and Toys
Gifts and toys are the two most important, critical, and essential constituents of Christmas that must be delivered to the kids, the “good” kids that is, no matter what! Santa has a freaking catalog built up probably with the help of the KGB from Hell that lists the names of all the “bad” kids that do not deserve gifts and/or toys. This is an unsmiling and an accomplished travesty from any possible angle you can look at it! Bah, humbug! What Santa knows about bad kids or any kids at all? He does not live with them, he does not deal with them, he does not pay for their clothes, education, or anything else, he does not raise them, and as matter of fact, he does not have any kids of his own at all! Why? The reasons why Santa does not have any kids are completely unknown and purposely kept veiled. Mrs. Claus was not available to make any comments on the subject.

The Wonderful Kids
Kids are roughly, small young human beings between the stages of birth and puberty, just before hormones replace their cuteness. At any rate, they are the pride and joy of any and every parent. They are the real reason to live. They bring joy and happiness to our homes. They, bad or not -for the record, I do not know any bad kids- deserve a caring break in their childhood. This is an opportunity for them to taste a bit of fantasy, a few cups of illusion, a pound of dreams, a ton of love, a bucket of happiness, a dash of hope, a few ounces of time to be kids, and a small amount of simple toys.

Children are the biggest source of learning for us adults. I know a story that has been roaming the in internet before, but I will tell this story once again because it carries a powerful message. Once at the Special Olympics in New York it was a 50 meters dash race. These very special, smiley kids were waiting for the start of the race and talking to each other. The race got in its way and they started to run down the lanes. About two-thirds of the race, one of the kids tripped and fell in the tartan, scraping his knee. Almost immediately, the other kids realized this, and all of them stopped and went back towards the kid on the ground who was crying. The kids helped him to get up, and a girl kissed the crying boy on the booboo and said, “Now it is not going to hurt anymore. Let’s finish the race”. Then, they all held hands and finished the race together. It was not about the Winner for them; it was about all of us winning in life. How can you be happy if you brother is crying? That is the real recipe for fruitcakes.

If you do not know it, or have never read it in the “Mom & Pop’s Manual”, there is a specific rule to measure your level of parenting dexterity. The directive goes as follows: If you have one kid, you do not qualify as “parent”, if you have two kids, you are just a “parent in training”, if you have are rising three or more kids, then you qualify as “Parent”. Congratulations! In addition, there is something else in the manual. To understand your kids, draw from your own experience as a kid; do not play adult all the time. That is stupid!

The Milk
The milk is mostly for the reindeer since Santa prefers a good quality cold beer. He knows a LOT about beer. Remember that he drinks beer in all the places in the world he goes to, and no one else has done that! Besides, what milk really comes down to is to an unpasteurized animal body fluid. Who drinks animal body fluids? Yuck, double yuck! Powder milk is obtained by grinding the cow, and milk shake is obtained by placing a few ice cubes and a cow in the drier. Milk comes from non-virgin cows, and who knows where they have been making their milk! I hope not in the Red Light District. Nevertheless, most of you who drink milk really do not know what you are ingesting. Milk is a hydrocolloidal compound system that could come from pseudoplastic carrageenan! Hello? I drink Coca-Cola.

The Mistletoe
This must be some variety of magical salad! It is made of Mistle, what is a bird with a very nasty and misleading name: Turdus viscivorus (remind me a bit of the milk and the fruitcaka stuff), and Toe, from your foot. It is not clear if it is the Big toe (Hallux), or it is other toe like the pinky. You must be sure that whatever toe you select, is free of athlete’s foot, better known as a fungal tinea pedis infection of the Onychomycosis . In any case, the numinous fusion of these two erratic and peculiar ingredients of disparity, results in the legendary Mistletoe, a real hemi-parasitic plant! I love the magic of Christmas! As for me, I like the kissing part of the Mistletoe thingy best. Totally, dude! I secretly carry mistletoe all year long in my pocket, just in case of emergency!

The Ornaments
Oh boy, oh boy! Friedrich Nietzsche has a very specific definition of ornament, but I will not go there at this time, it is Christmas time for goodness sake! Ornaments are whatever you want them to be. They are accessories used to “beautify” things like our popular Christmas trees. The Shuar and the Jívaro in the Matto Grosso in the Amazon Rainforest, to ornament their houses and themselves they use shrunken human heads, and they think and believe they look cute! It is very trendy, though, especially if the heads are from your enemies. So there you have it. Ornaments are any “thingies” you hang in the Christmas tree, and everywhere else, including yourself. I have a neighbor that has a shrunken head, and he still alive… I tried to ornament my mother-in-law once, but it did not work, and I do not want to talk about it!

That Santa’s Red Suit…
That problematical Red Suit of Santa Claus which was green at one point before it was red, became tenet due to a publication of a singular poem, "A Visit From St. Nicholas", which nowadays we call "The Night Before Christmas". This limerick was published in the newspaper “Sentinel” of the city of New York, in the issue of December 23, 1823. In this culprit elegy, Santa is illustrated as a fat fellow, with a gang of eight reindeer with names, but without credentials or any police background. Today, Santa dresses in whichever way he wants, providing Mrs. Santa agrees, of course! I do not care what Macy’s says, but Santa DID NOT buy his suit there!

The Reindeer
The Rangifer Tarandus (A.K.A. Caribou), a popular and an abundant habitant of the Holarctic ecozone essentially does not know which members of their family structure actually work for Santa. It is like the Secret Police, they live their normal lives in the Floristic Boreal Kingdom during the year, yet some members unfold their surreptitious doppelganger personalities, and go clandestinely to work for Santa every December upholding their fellow peers in complete ignorance. Cool! After their return to normal life, they are impregnated with a dubious smell of carrots! Weird, uh? Santa’s Reindeer are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. Rudolph is an undercover instrument and cannot be mentioned here, otherwise, I have to kill myself.

The Sack
I wish we could find out of what material Santa’s sack is made of. The Army says that is made out of flexible Kevlar, the Chinese says that is made out of doubled-padded silk, Virginians says that is made out of genetically modified cotton, and the Australian says that is made out of stretchy rubber bands, “lithe-rally!”. Who knows! Indeed, a small bag can hold a whole lot! Just imagine how much Mrs. Santa’s purse holds! Jiminy Criminy! The other thing is that the sack is always open and nothing falls over! What a bag! There are no records of how many Elves have been hard hit in the head with the freaking bag, while Santa maneuvers around with it on his shoulder. It is enough about the sack.

The Sled
What brand is Santa’s sled? It is probably Polaris or Lodestar. The astonishing means of transportation is environmentally safe, does not use gas, and does not require maintenance. It packs an 8-HP (Holly Pretty-strong-reindeer much better than dogs engine), holds a gazillion Elves, delivers a billion miles per carrot, it received the “Vehicle Of The Year” award for its trendy multi-purpose speed-away flight-toy weather-coaster lightweight-wagon freaking great vehicle, on top of that its reindeer never poop, and of course it is Hot Italian Red.


The Global Celebration of Christmas

This Christian holiday, perhaps the most popular and wide celebrated event ever in the history of mankind, even in cultures where Christianity is not the dominant religion, Christmas has come into being a secular observance, and old Santa Claus has become the symbol and rationale for the season.

Christmas time is celebrated in diverse, but similar fashion around the planet. In the United States, as well as numerous other countries, in commercial establishments, churches, businesses, public places, and homes, they display a crèche –a French word that means day nursery or crib- also called a Nativity scene.

The celebration of Christmas came under fire during the mid 17th century in England, where was abolished. However, nothing stopped Christmas from being celebrated by the jolly Christians. The celebration of this festivity actually has been in effect at least by 4,000 years before Christianity. The roots of this celebration got underway personified in an ancient Babylonian festival –the Zagmuk- many thousands of years prior to the birth of Jesus Christ in Bethlehem of Judea.

The "Twelve Days" of Christmas is another numinous part of the Christmas celebration that actually starts with Christmas Day and concludes with the eve of Epiphany on January 5. Contrary to the popular and very misguided conviction, these mystic twelve days never happened before Christmas!

The Russians call our Santa by the name of Baboushka. The translation of the word Baboushka into Russian is grandmother. Now, how can they call an old, fat, and hairy man, grandmother! Well, I guess some can… As I remember perfectly well, during my last trip to Russia (to Krasnodar) I did not see a single fat woman, and nevertheless, hairy! As I dredge up without any doubts what-so-ever-!, the legions of Russian woman I closely set eyes on was slim, b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l, perfectly well equipped, and none of them wore any beards, of any size, not even a trivial mustache.

Nevertheless, Babushka was very trendy during the Tsarist era, and before the revolution of 1917. Baboushka was and old and sympathetic woman with no known family, like any other superhero, just like the Italian Jedi in the movie Star Wars, Obi Wan Cannoli. Just for the record, NOT citizens, Batman is NOT gay.

One day while she was cleaning her house, the three Wise Men made a quick stop at her house during their journey following the star of Bethlehem to pay respects to the newly born Holy Child. They invited Baboushka to come along with them, but she refused.

After a while and subsequent to the re-assessing of her choice, Baboushka had second thoughts about it. She quickly regretted her foolishness resolution, she hurriedly prepared her luggage and travel gear, and she hit the road in search of the Magi. She never located the Magi, nevertheless the Holy Child, so it is believed that Baboushka is still wondering around in an eternal search. In every sixth of January on the eve of Epiphany, she goes around from one place to another leaving presents to the children with a never-ending hope that someone will lead her to find The King of Kings.


Christmas’ Merry Bits and Holy Pieces

The most popular and widely used items to represent the Christmas spirit are the Christmas tree (Yule tree, or the German Tannenbaum), and the Nativity set. However, people decorate their homes for Christmas in many other ways.

One of the most accepted popular legends in religious spheres is that the reason for the use of the triangular profile of the Fir Tree was to represent explicitly the Holy Trinity of God the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. The Christians and the converted people worship the Fir tree as God's Tree, in the same fashion as they had for centuries venerated the Oak tree. According to history accounts, during the 12th century in Central Europe, people used to hang the tree upside-down from ceilings as profess of Christianity.

In any case, for reasons that unconfirmed legends and tales originated in the Baltic countries of the 15th century, it is believed that the first evergreen tree decorated for Christmas appeared in Riga, Latvia in 1510.

Based on history accounts, the earliest Nativity scene appeared first during the Middle Ages. It is believed that St. Francis of Assisi started the tradition in the small settlement of Greccio, Italy, in 1223.

A methodical and knowledgeable Nativity organizer, will position each figurine (action figures by today’s standards) in the setting having an unambiguous connotation. The manner in which the Nativity planner arranges these figurines will play an important role in the meaning, and in the visual notion of the nativity landscape.

There are plenty of little sculptures that are arranged inside a stable, being the principal characters Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus in the folkloric crib. They are usually surrounded by the shepherds, angels, the Magi (the Three Kings from the East or the Three Wise Man), and several animals who already live in the stable, or are visiting for the occasion, and depending of where do you live on earth, the animals will change!

Depending on where on hearth you celebrate Christmas, the bits and pieces used to decorate, adorn, represent, or otherwise characterized your Christmas celebration also changes accordingly, however, some groups of people might add some trappings of their own harvest from local places, or from activities-related situations. At any rate, these personages’ conception also changes from culture to culture. I mention this because my babyish daughter asked me very specific questions the other day related to Christmas. She asked me “Daddy is it true that the Mafia celebrates Christmas with a Nativity featuring the “Three Wise Guys”?”, also she asked me, “Is it true that Jesus Christ died in the Red Cross?”

As far as the first question goes, I really have no idea. Seriously folks... I had a better answer though for the second one.


Rudolph?

Who Rudolph really is? The mysterious and enigmatic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer did not get his red nose from alcoholism. He is some sort of cyborg life form in the appearance of a reindeer, who is able to produce an extremely powerful and colorful beam of glowing photon energy through his nose. He is capable of accurate stellar navigation in the dark, he can break throughout the most fierce blizzards and inclement weather, endure severe and blinding polar storms, lead a bunch of other clueless reindeer pulling Santa’s wagon through the sky. He prances on the clouds, never goes to the bathroom, and he had memorized every single one of the addresses of every child of our planet. Indeed, an amazing animal.

During his off-season’s spare time, Rudolph pursued a career in Hollywood and he hastily rose to stardom. It is still unclear and today remains a matter of debate the question of who his Agent really is. Some self-defined erudite individuals (mostly lawyers) assure that it is Charlie Brown; some other amorphous clued-up raconteurs (mostly politicians) swear that it is the Grinch. In any case, Rudolph declined to comment on the issue – “It is a matter of conflict of interest”, he avowed to CNN.

On December 4, 2008, Rudolph will celebrate his 44th birthday in a private party. The list of invitees has not been released yet, and the party, as stated by some erudite and raconteur individuals abovementioned, will be held with warmth and affection at Claus’ Manor, in the North Pole. The Playboy bunnies will attend; however, Bambi was not invited due to the “adult” nature of the revelry.

Rudolph still going strong and about to get his first colonoscopy, and in spite of his status of worldwide known celebrity, he never made it to the “Who’s Who” publication.


My Christmas Exit to You

Well, by now you should have learned a great deal about some important Christmas details and minutiae with its associated eclectic concepts. Christmas is a real jolly time, full of love and best wishes. For once, do not become Ebenezer Scrooge this year and do not screw around with Christmas. Please! Go out there wearing your best smile and transfuse your jolliness to others, soak up on massive amounts of merriness, and saturate yourself by absorbing the ebullient Christmas Spirit that will be omnipresent and overflowing everywhere, because it will stick to your spirit like honey, and it will last in your heart just long enough until next Christmas.

I love Christmas dearly, but I love Thanksgiving more. Thanksgiving is not about buying presents for everyone, or running from store to store because YOU HAVE TO BUY this or that for him or for her. Thanksgiving is all about the family, about getting together, share our love, and just spent time together as a solid family unit with our relatives. I wrote this silly chronicle about Christmas during Thanksgiving, while headquartered right at the dead center of my beloved family.

I sincerely wish you and everyone else who occupy a place (of any size) in your generous heart, a very Merry Christmas, and a Prosperous upcoming year filled with Bonanza, Health, Fortune, and Happiness. I also wish that at least one of your dreams came true before next Christmas. Run fast and hard! In order to catch your dreams, you have to run faster than them, so hustle!

Be a child at heart, a dreamer at life, do not fully mature, forgive a lot, smile at everyone, not only stop to smell the roses, but stop frequently to smell a lot of stuff, be honest to yourself, strive to progress, look always sharp at spirit, feed a hungry child at least once, help an old lady to cross the street, even if she doesn’t want to, go Ho!, Ho! Ho! around and forget about what the idiots might think of you, let your imagination roar uninhibited and untamed, call your brother sometime, visit your mom once in a while, and take some time to put a beautiful flower in the solitary grave of your grandfather.

Remember your good friends. There are friends, and there are good friends. You must know the difference. A friend will help you to move, a good friend will help you to move a dead body. And if you happen to remember, and you have the time to spare on it, look carefully deep into your munificent, giving heart, and lend a helping hand to someone you don’t know out there who might need a friend, just the once.

When you are done with all of that, stop for a taciturn moment and look at the immeasurable sky, far above, beyond the limit of your sight. The sky is pitching dark, but if you look straight up carefully, you will see a bright, shining celestial star. If you do not look carefully, you will not see it, however, I can assure you that it is the biggest start of all. I am not sure about the name of this powerful light source, but I read once that some called J.C. Superstar! Just slightly to the right of the cosmic glow, you will candidly distinguish your powerful dreams and diehard hopes, together in the silent night, holy night, patiently waiting in the midst of the heavens for you to reach out for them. Well? Start running! What are you waiting for? Hustle!

Merry Christmas Humanity!